One of our core values as Latter-day Saints is honesty (the 13th article of faith begins, “We believe in being honest,” right?). We know that it’s dishonest to lie, steal, and cheat, but have you ever considered that it might also be dishonest to say “yes” when you really mean “no”? For example, if someone asks you if you’d be willing to do something and you say yes when truthfully you are not willing to do so, you are being dishonest. It’s so tricky—we want to please, and we want to help; we want to do our share, and we want to do what’s right. I know that there have been times when I really wish I felt free to say “no” (and feel at peace about it), but I found myself saying “yes” yet again. Unsurprisingly, this pattern of repeatedly saying “yes” can cause problems in one’s emotional wellness, communication, and even in relationships. I do not intend to suggest that we stop going out of our way to serve others, or to always say “no,” but I think it’s important to examine why always saying “yes” can be harmful, and to look at why it’s okay, even honorable, to sometimes say “no.”
When you’re dating it can be hard to find a nice guy. If you’re found one, make he’s the real deal by watching for these 8 signs.
“You want to watch for patterns,” says therapist and relationship expert Julie Hanks, Ph.D., owner and director of Wasatch Family Therapy in Salt Lake City, Utah, and author of The Burnout Cure. “We all behave in unhealthy or manipulative ways once in awhile, but it’s problematic when there are consistent patterns of behavior that don’t feel quite right.”
“If he says unkind or hurtful things to you couched in a kind voice, or in the name of ‘I’m just being honest,’ that’s still mean,” says Hanks. “Or, if he makes cutting or belittling comments and then laughs it off by saying ‘I was only joking! Why do you take things so seriously?’ he just may be a jerk in disguise.”
“You may be flattered that he wants to spend every free moment with you,” says Hanks. “But how does he respond when you aren’t available? A great guy will be able to express disappointment and that he’ll miss you. A jerk in disguise will pout and give you a cold shoulder or a guilt trip for choosing someone else over him.”